I was trying to decide what I wanted people to take away from the posts I write and I think what I really want for people to take from my blog is that it's OKAY to not be perfect, but that doesn't mean you don't try to be. I want people to know that the reality of weight loss, healthy eating habits and changing your lifestyle is that it sucks. (Pardon the crassness of what I am about to say) It sucks large donkey balls, but don't give up! Even if you have to start over 10 million times, that's OKAY because you haven't given up! I want to inspire people to not give up!
I am constantly having to re-commit and re-dedicate myself to a healthier life style. I ate unhealthily for most of my life and I think that it will always be a battle for me to choose an apple over a brownie. I've never drank alcohol and I am not addicted to food, but I imagine that for a recovering alcoholic it will forever be difficult to choose water over a drink.
So here I am turning over a new leaf 85 (Ok so it's more like 5 or 6) in my weight loss journey!
We all think several things a day (Women more than Men, sorry, but it's true). I wouldn't say we talk to ourselves as much as we simply just think to ourselves. We call it self talk. Sometimes it is constructive and healthy and other times it is not. Here is a list of a few things I've thought to myself in the last month concerning my physical appearance:
- Why am I so fat?
- I wish I was a little taller
- My thighs are huge
- I'm so fat I have to wear leggings under my favorite jeans because my fat legs rubbed holes in them
- I wonder if people notice the holes in my jeans? They probably do and think wow Kelsie is really fat and gross
- I should buy new jeans, but the jeans I want don't come in size extra fat.
- My belly is too big and jiggly
- I might as well be pregnant because I already look like I am
- Ugh I hate how thin my hair is. I'm going bald and I'm not even 30
- I'm going to be fat and bald forever then have kids and be even fatter and balder
- I run so slow that myfitnesspal calls it a brisk walk, how pathetic
- I am pathetic thinking I could lose weight
- I wish I looked like her
- My face looks tired and old
- I just want to be pretty.
- Almost a 14 minute mile... way to go fatso.
- Most people walk a 15 minute mile and that's what you run.
- Why do the healthiest foods taste like poop?
- I don't want to eat poop
- I'm too tired to run, and plus it's dark and cold out there
- I'm so tired and sad I need a cookie to make me feel better
This is a problem. This is not good. The problem with the last thought is that one cookie turns into 5 cookies. Self loathing and self pity are not healthy. On top of all of this negative self talk I have to battle depression and mild bi-polar. And if my meds aren't working right or I stop taking them this list gets a lot uglier than it already is. Yes some of these thoughts are a bit humorous, but I wasn't trying to be funny when I was telling them to myself.
It is hard to talk positively to yourself. You are your worst critic and if you are anything like me you don't miss one little out of place eyelash while reviewing yourself. I have decided to change this. Negative self talk is my Goliath. It is so easy to get down on your self for the smallest things and one of the most frustrating things is that I like it. I like to be negative. I like to be cynical and critical and judgmental. It feels good to do it, which is wrong because it really doesn't feel good in the long run. I hate thinking that something I feel is wrong.
I decided that I need to change. I want to be more positive. I need to be more positive. I want to exude happiness and be centered and balanced and love myself. I want to love myself despite my short comings! Today while running I was thinking about how I wanted this. It was difficult to think of nice things to say when I hadn't been out running for almost a month. I started small with things like:
- It's ok to run slow because it's been a while and it is better than not running at all.
- You could be sitting on the couch watching CSI but instead you are out here trying to get healthy! Good for you!
- This is going to hurt, but that's ok because you are tough
- Keep breathing, it's ok to struggle.
- This isn't easy, but you are doing it!
- You choose this! This is a healthy choice! Way to go!
I hope that you can relate to this on some level and that when you read these posts you think, " Yeah that's like me and if she can do it then so can I!" Love your self and have faith that you can do it!
